Parenting Parents

It's not what you think. I remember as a child that my parents always seemed to know the right things to say and do for whatever the situation called.

Last Tuesday Dad became dizzy while visiting a local restaurant, but didn't tell Mom until after they got home. Of course, they stopped at a local gift shop and a grocery story before arriving there. After taking a short nap when they got home, he got up, and was still dizzy. After a phone call to brother, whose son is also an EMT, they recommended a visit to the ER somewhere around 9:30 or 10 pm in the evening. After lab work and scans of one kind or another, they kept Dad overnight for additional observation (it was almost morning by then anyway).

When the cardiologist arrived to consider what would be next, a pacemaker was recommended to stablize his heart beat - apparently the dizziness was brought on by not enough oxygen in his blood from an very irregular heart beat. Ok, there was as much as a 3.2 second pause in his heart beat on occasion. That's a long pause. A pregnant pause. A near stoppage.

While all this was going on I was in Texas on a business trip. I arrived home late Wednesday night to visit with Mom, who was staying at our house for the night. "The alarm is set for 6 am, wake me up if I'm not awake when you get up," she pleaded. Of course, I had travelled all day and wasn't too keen on getting up too early myself, "I won't be waking you until after I think you've caught up on your sleep from the night before," I retorted. She didn't really like my answer, but she needed sleep more than Dad needed her in the hospital the next morning - he had all those nurses looking after him, even if one of them was a man!

At 8:40 am, Mom rolls out to the kitchen with all her stuff ready to get to the hospital and just a little upset I didn't wake her. After I reminded her she needed more sleep, she settle abit and got off to the hospital. Dad was waiting for us, but the cardioligist had already been there to go over the lab results. Nephew Paul had already made a visit and was actually there when the Doc visited.

Dad was scheduled for a pacemaker the following morning. The heart needed to get back under control. So, we spent Thursday waiting. I had several appointments back at the office, so I came in and out throughout the day. Mom was there for the duration. Phil had meetings all day...and we all converged on Dad's room on Thursday night for dinner and a rousing interaction with family.

Reflecting on the evening he was dizzy, he also had high blood pressure, but it appears now this had little to do with the issue of dizziness. He was under stress; stress causes high blood pressure. Not telling your spouse everything you're going through for over two hours in crisis causes stress, and high blood pressure. Trying to stay in an upright position when you're dizzy causes stress. And, when you don't tell anyone about being dizzy, driving a car, carrying groceries from the car to the house, without stumbling or holding on to something to steady yourself causes stress and high blood pressure. The high blood pressure apparently didn't cause the dizziness, but the secret dizziness cause some high blood pressure.

It's hard to put into words what its like to help your parents get through challenges like this. You take it moment by moment; tick by ticking tock! How do you help an 88 and 85 year old adult make sure they don't keep secrets any more. At their age the filters should be coming off...they just seem to add them. Showing weakness or acting as if you need help is not something we do very well; and we don't learn early enough apparently.

As a family, we quickly decided that we should keep each other in the loop better and started emailing back and forth. After a few exchanges, we agreed that getting Dad out of the hospital before we make too many other changes in their life, was an important first step. Then, we'd tackle some other things.

Surgery was Friday - then, we waited for the healing to start. Twenty-four hours after surgery, assuming all things went as planned, he should be released to go home. And, outside a small glitch with the Doc's final release messaging, he was. As soon as the Doc gave the release to Dad, he started throwing off the covers and acting like the world needed conquering, but I gently reminded him that he still had needles in his arms and a tighly bound arm and shoulder strap that nurses would have to come in and remove before he could officially get up and out. So, chagrined, he put his feet back under the covers and we waited for another 2 hours!

When the nurses finally arrived, we were able to get out of the hospital around noon, and back home to a quiet and peaceful surrounding. It felt good to be home, where they could take care of each other and get some much needed rest.

Parenting a parent in so many ways feels like its payback for the all the good they have given me. Listen and encourage. Listen and nudge. Listen and push. But by all means listen.